A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
