I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
