respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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