mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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