I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
