he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
