My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
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