Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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