So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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