He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
