haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
