Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
We need a shit load of segways right now
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
