tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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