Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
