Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
