and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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