I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
