When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
