I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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