I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
