I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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