why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
