Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
