1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
