someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
