I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
