I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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