He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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