I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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