omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
