I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
