I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I woke up under a house in Key West
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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