my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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