His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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