I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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