Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
