If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
