Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
