weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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