We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
