ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
