She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
