She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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