He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
