I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
