I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
