my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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