my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
