How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
