And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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