She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
