Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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