I wish I could teleport
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
