He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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