Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
