It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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