if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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