Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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