Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
